2 years and I still can’t believe it. That is how long it has been since my dad passed away. When ever I feel like I’m healed and ready to move past the feeling of lost, some thing reminds me that he is gone. Now I’m not saying forget because I could never forget him. I’m talking about not hurting anymore. I know everyone says time heals all wounds but this wound honestly is taking a long time to heal.
I know part of that is my Jedi, as much as they are a blessing to my family; they are a constant reminder that Dad isn’t here to see them grow up. Now according to Vivian and my mom my dad is watching them grow up and I want to believe this I really do however it’s difficult for me. I can’t comprehend something I can’t prove logically. It’s just the way I am built. On some levels I admire those that can. I don’t understand it but I am beginning to respect it.
My biggest problem with losing my dad is why. Yes I know everyone asks that when they loose some one. I’m not saying I deserve an explanation or expect to get one. If I did receive one it would probably freak me the hell out. I just have a hard time believing that if there is an all knowing being that dictates when and how some one passes that they would take my dad, months before his first grandchildren were born. Add to that why they would create homosexuals and at the same time create prejudice against them. I just can’t believe in it, I want to but there are too many questions that no one can answer.
I get tired of the answer of “No One knows what God’s plan is” well if that is true, the plan sucks and it needs to be changed. There are too many people walking the earth that don’t deserve to and too many people that do that aren’t. Yes I know that sounds a bit harsh but it normally is the way I feel during October.
I loss a part of myself when I lost my dad. That surprises me because my dad and I were close yes but we weren’t “close” if you can understand. But 2 years later and I am still lost, still feeling like I am missing a part of me. I blame this on Vivian not in a bad way though. If it wasn’t for her I would not be able to feel anything of this. As much as I hate him not being here I’m glad that I feel the lost. If I would have lost my dad before Vivian I don’t think I would have felt anything and really is that any way to live?
Dad – I still miss you, some times more than I think I can handle. Following the Yankees just isn’t the same without you. PS the Jedi are amazing, hopefully mom and Vivian are correct and you are seeing that for yourself. I won’t let anything happen to them and they know who Pop-Pop is.
Vivian – As always I love you and thank you for making me who I am today. I couldn’t have done it with you.