The other day I said to Vivian when we were talking about the Pulse tragedy that I think I’m dead inside because I wasn’t feeling anything about it. There no was no anger, no sadness; there were no feelings at all. Later in the day after much soul searching I realized I wasn’t dead inside, I was just numb. I was numb when it comes to hatred towards my community, numb to the news of Mass Shootings in the United States, numb to all the religious bullshit that is thrown out there during times of tragedy. I have to say I was surprised to realize this. Surprised because I consider myself a rather strong person, a result of growing up gay on the East Coast, however what I thought was strength was numbness. To others it comes across as indifference but to be honest it’s quite the opposite, it’s a fear of showing feelings.
This numbness is the result of a lifetime hearing gay people are sick, unnatural, prey on children, will burn in hell and want “special rights”. Add on top of that almost a monthly, if not more reporting, of a mass shooting in some part of the country it’s no wonder why I turned off my emotions. It was just easier. I used to blame my ex on my state of not feeling anything and that is probably true on some level but I honestly feel this started much earlier.
I always knew I was different I just did not know how until I was older. However I was aware enough to know that in our country if you are different you are not accepted and sadly can become the target of violence. Not wanting to feeling any of that I began to bury my feelings.
It took the Pulse tragedy for me to realize life is too short and to enjoy it you must feel it. So please remember never forget to tell those in your life how much they mean to you and to live life to the fullest. Don’t let the actions of a few filled with hatred affect the way you live your life.
To Vivian I love you with all my heart and soul; you are my reason for living.
To my boys, Klaus, Luki, and Zeus (and Pugsley) I love you.
To my New Jersey family I love you more than you will ever know.
To my Ohio family, I know I don’t say it very often if at all but I love you and thank you for being there.
To the victims of Pulse my deepest condolences, you are not alone!!!