How many people truly like to share? Let’s be honest I don’t think any of us actually like to. It’s just some thing we are taught to do growing up and then later just accept as a fact of life.
For me personally I’m not good at sharing. Growing up I was pretty much an only child my sister is almost 6 years younger than me, so we are both basically “the only child”. I never had to share with her nor her with me. Along with that I have had some bad experiences with “sharing” people that I cared about in my life. For most of my life when ever any of my friends started to expand their circle of friends I was always left on the outside looking in.
Some of you may be asking yourself what does this have to do with Vivian or drag? Well when you are married to a drag queen you not only have to share her but her boy persona as well, that is just a fact. For me that fact is a double edge sword.
I love the fact that more people are becoming aware of Vivian and interested in her. I also am very proud of the growing exposure Vivian has been receiving as of late. I feel like the world is finally starting to see what I have always seen from the very beginning. The more Vivian performs or just interacts with people the more comfortable she becomes with not just herself, but also as a gay man. Watching this transformation over the last 4 years now as been something I am extremely grateful for and so glad I have been able to share with her.
However this new level of comfort she has achieved also means I have to share her with others and this scares me. Yes trust me I get the irony of some one who writes about being married to her and being scared of sharing her. To be honest the diary started as a way for me to deal with everything that Vivian brings to our lives. It now has morphed into so much more, but at its core it’s my drag therapy if you will.
I love Vivian and want to see her become as big as she wants to be, but I don’t want to loose her or more exact I don’t want to loose Jeff to Vivian. Do I feel that is happening? No I don’t, however having to share her so much any more is something I’m very uncomfortable with. Part of it I’m sure is a learning curve for me. You see there are so many people in Vivian’s life now. Some I don’t even know and I think this is what scares me.
When I look at Vivian and who she has become I can’t comprehend what she is doing with me. Most times I don’t think I deserve her. My hearts tells me we are a perfect fit but my brain tells me she can do better and I don’t know how to get my brain to listen to my heart.
With everything my ex and past friends have done to me, my self confidence is extremely low, if I even have any. So every time I have to share her I fear I’m going to loose her. Yes I know it’s an irrational fear but it’s currently one I’m trying to deal with.
So for now I will share Vivian with the rest of you, knowing that she is my life and I am hers.