One thing Vivian would probably say about me is that I don’t listen to what she says. I will admit on occasion that is probably true, but the majority of the time it’s not that I didn’t listen, it’s just that on certain topics it takes me a while to process what she has said or has been telling me. Especially on those topics that she is, for the most, part right. Yes Vivian you read that correctly.
The most recent topic that she has been right about is my outlook on life. For those of you that know me personally I’m sure you would describe me as unapproachable or negative or maybe even pessimistic. All those words may be correct in describing my behavior, but not who I am as a person. At my core I’m a very loving loyal person and a kid at heart. Sadly those traits don’t surface very often.
I can’t completely say why that is. I have an incredible husband who loves and supports me, 2 adorable 4-legged kids and a family that means the world to me. Yet for some reason I can’t seem to let the true me surface for more than quick glimpses. Vivian, along with my family, gets to see these glimpses from time to time but the rest of you don’t.
What the general public sees is the personality I have created to protect my self my being hurt, to hide the fact I’m an insecure person and to defend Vivian. This personality that I have created has begun to take over more and more and has begun to bury the true me deeper and deeper. This is something I can’t allow any longer. I want to embrace life and begin to enjoy it again. This will not be very easy for me I have to admit it has been easier to just let this made up personality to control my outlook on life.
The reason for this was every time the real me started to become visible I would loose some one close to me, to either death or a falling out. It was just easier to allow this unapproachable personality to control who I was. If you keep people at arm’s length there is no way they can get close enough to hurt you. That may be 100 % true but what is also true is sooner or later you start to miss out on not only life but those relationships that mean the most to you. I can not allow this to happen any longer. I need the real me to start controlling my life.
I writing this not to make excuses for why I behaved the way I have over the last several years but to explain why. I’m not expecting anyone that I may have pushed away or even walked away from to forgive me. I just wanted to let you know that I recognized what I did and I apologize for it. I have allowed some good friends to leave my life all in the name of protecting myself. That was just stupid. I more than likely also missed out on some friends too because of being approachable, once again just STUPID.
To Vivian I want to say THANK YOU. No matter how deep I sunk you always believed in me and knew who I was at my core. My promise to you is ENJOY LIFE from this point forward. I’m not saying it is going to be easy and that I won’t fail at times, but I promise to keep trying. I want to start focusing on the positive in my life not the negative and YOU are the BIGGEST positive I have.